What If?

As I laid in bed Monday night, I found myself reconsidering about how I live my life.

For hours before, I learned the truth behind why one of the classmates, in which I look up to in this class, hasn't been around for two weeks. It occurred to me that I could have never seen this person again. For not knowing them, and for having no real emotional connection, it is absurd to me to think that this person could have been wiped out of my life forever. What’s worse is I would have never been able to say goodbye or thank you for all that they have done for me although they did not intend to. In that moment, I found myself being grateful, and I was struck with awe and wonder. For at that moment, I did not know what to think, what to feel, I was completely lost in the moment. I wanted to cry, but it was restrained by gratitude and happiness. For I am someone who truly believes, that every person in your life is of value to you in one way or another.

Reflecting on this, I got to thinking:

What if I would die tomorrow?

What would people remember me by?

How long will they miss me for?

Will I have made a difference in the world?

As Miguel de Unamuno said: “Act so that in your own judgment and in the judgment of others you may deserve eternity, act so that you may be irreplaceable, act so that you do not deserve death.”

WOW!!

“Act as if you were to die tomorrow, but only in order to survive and become eternal.” (pg. 159).

WOOOOOOWWWWWW!

I got to thinking about my family… What it would mean to them if I was gone?

My friends… would they cry and remorse? What would they remember me by?

My pets… What would happen to them?

My legacy… what would it look like?

I am just a typical person who works as a security guard to make it through college. I am aiming for a career that I am uncertain that they will need me in any time soon. I have an internship that I am not completely fond of, but I have to do. I work hard in school, and stress each day to get through it (I am so tired of school). I go to the gym, run, play with my dogs, and care for my birds. I play xbox whenever I get a free chance. My life is in no way perfect, and is filled with struggle, but it is life all the same.

It hit me!

If I were to die tomorrow, everything that I see as a complete struggle and miserable in fact is not as bad as It could be. I could not have my life. I can do what I want with my life, “act so that I deserve eternity.” If I were to die tomorrow, I would be disappointed with myself right now, as I would have not accomplished or left the impact that I wanted to by this point.

Monday night was a life changing moment for me.

It was extremely ironic once again about the topics that we covered in class. It almost seems as if this class is running in a parallel dimension in my life right now, like it’s a stalker in the shadows. Dostoevsky hit the nail on the head last week, and this week Unamuno did it for me. I am glad to see that I am not only one who found Kierkegaard’s philosophy philosophically heroic. I now have three favorite philosophers: Dostoevsky, Kierkegaard, and Unamuno.