According to Feodor Dostoevsky, “something that is dearer to
almost every man than his greatest advantages must really exist, or there is
one most advantageous advantage which is more important and more advantageous
than all other advantages, for which, if necessary, a man is ready to act in
opposition to all laws, that is, in opposition to reason, honor, peace,
prosperity--- in short, in opposition to all those wonderful and useful things
if only he can attain that fundamental, most advantageous advantage which is
dearer to him than all” (pgs. 40-41).
At this current moment in time, I am battling with my own
“most advantageous advantage”. With only one semester left of college, I plan
to leave home against my parents will (for they do not know it yet), and to
pursue a road in my life which will not be easy but worth it. My whole family
has had this set of morals for which I should live by since I can even
remember! “Go to school, get a career with good benefits, do not do drugs, do
not drink alcohol, do not watch TV and do homework at the same time…” the list
goes on and on. I agree as to why they have done this for me, and I am
completely grateful for their guidance. After all I am about to attain my
degree and about to enter the big world; I can see the horizon out yonder, and
I am almost there.
But! I will be choosing to leave the comfort of my home,
leave all I have ever known behind, and start a life for myself. In fact I will
be taking this journey with a person I have only met four months ago.
Does it sound absurd? Yes.
Is it absurd? Yes.
Is it worth it? Maybe not in the eyes of everyone else in
this world, but to me Yes. I THINK IT IS COMPLETELY WORTH IT.
What if just for once, just once, I wanted to do what I
wanted with my life, and no one could take that from me? What if I have found
something that I find worth the battle and the struggle? What if I already know
what I am going to be expecting but I am still willing to go through with it?
I know that one day I WILL be as successful as I would have
been if I had taken the easy road. My determination and will, will guide me to
my goals and dreams. Out of my own free unfetter choice, I will choose to
oppose all the reason and everyone’s opinion to fight for something that I
could have achieved much easier. But that is the most amazing thing of life!
That that is my choice!
“And in particular it may be more advantageous than any
other advantages even when it does obvious harm, and contradicts the soundest
conclusions of our reason about our advantage--- because in any case it
preserves for us what is most precious and most important--- that is, our
personality, our individuality” (pg. 45).
I am fascinated with the fact that my situation can go
either the way I hope it to or it can go straight down the drain and turn out
to be a catastrophe. I could become emotionally hurt, my family could turn
their backs on me, and I could lose everything I have ever known for good
should this all backfire on me. Should it turn out that way I will have learned
a valuable lesson and I will continue on towards my goals, and I will do
everything to prove everyone else that I did things wrong but I still achieved
it all in the end. (Although I am pretty sure everything will be just fine).
My desire is overpowering this whole situation. “Desire can,
of course, if it desires, be in agreement with reason; particularly if it does
not abuse this practice but does so in moderation, it is both useful and
sometimes even praiseworthy. But very often, and even most often, desire
completely and stubbornly opposes reason, and… and… and do you know that that,
too, is useful and sometimes even praiseworthy?” (pgs. 45-46).
It was so ironic that we got to read Dostoevsky’s work at
this current time in my life. In a sense, as I sat in class last night, I felt
more empowered by my decisions. A sense of closure if you will. I am not the
only one who would oppose everything telling me not to and to do it anyways. I
am not alone, and this author has clearly seen this.
“I believe in that, I vouch for it, because, after all, the whole work of man seems really to consist in nothing but proving to himself continually that he is a man and not an organ stop” (pg. 47).
Hi Aubrey,
ReplyDeleteI liked your post and I hope that your life decision you talked so much about goes well for you. I found it interesting that you spent much of the post explaining how this decision was a decision of desire, but comments such as “I am pretty sure everything will be just fine” lead me to believe that to some extent, this is a rational decision that you have reasoned out. During class, some suggested that people rationalize their decisions based on desire so as to come to terms with their choices. I agree with Dostoevsky that to feel alive, to take advantage of our humanity, sometimes we must make a decision based not on rationalism but on desire. I see you doing that here, and it sounds as if Dostoevsky was indeed right, that it does make one feel alive and not like “an organ stop”. You say that whether you take the easy road or the hard road, you will ultimately have the same outcome. I feel that this echoes Camus’ view in his essay on Sisyphus, how the journey of life is the point (though I hope your decision doesn’t lead to as much suffering as Sisyphus). Best of luck!
-Peter
Aubrey,
ReplyDeleteI really admire your whole thought process throughout this blog post, as well as I can relate to it. My family situation was very similar to yours many years ago. All the way through high school, my parents had a set plan for the way I would live my life. Home work came first, early curfew, no booze/drugs, etc.. At a certain point, I had to deal with my own “most advantageous advantage,’ and in doing so, my life changed for the better. I had finally built up the courage to have a conversation with my parents stating that I wanted to go to asu and live in the dorms, not at home. They were pissed. I then established a deal with them, if I get higher than a 3.5 my senior year, then my wish would be granted. Lucky for me, I was determined to reach this goal and was able to start my new life on my own.
I would also agree with your decision of living an absurdly styled life. Sometimes taking chances create opportunities that are benefitial to you as well as make you happy, which is the most important part. It may be true that going the “safe” path may have more security and promise for success, but where is the fun in that. That path is the boring path, the path that will lead you to a midlife crisis as well as potential depression later on in life. I have always lived my life one day at a time. Yes, I have goals, but in no way are those goals determining my everyday happiness. Live for your desires, be happy, thats what its all about.
Have fun with your journey!
-Brian